just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
