u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
