someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
