he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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