She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
