Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
