morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
