Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Randomize
