I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
