My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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