Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"