She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
What's dad's email?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?