hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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