Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
