Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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