I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
