oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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