hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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