MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
