I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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