I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
