I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
