So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
