I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
