I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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