So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
