Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
