you have to choose: penises or morals?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
