It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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