please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just blew my weed a kiss
We were destined to go to rehab together
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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