i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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