Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
