I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
