I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
