And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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