I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
