you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
