He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
