i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
