I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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