He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize
