forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
