you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
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As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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