Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
