She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
