Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
