At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
