I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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