please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
As shirtless as possible
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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