I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize