Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You can't just leave with hair like that
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
