I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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