I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
