another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
