So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
