i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
