my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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