You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
