My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
